We’ve all been there. A friend is venting about a rough breakup, a coworker is spiraling over a deadline, or maybe a family member is dropping heavy news. They say, “I’m so sorry to dump this on you,” or “I’m sorry you have to hear this.”
And what is our reflex? Without even thinking, we blurt out: “Oh, it’s okay!”
But here’s the thing: sometimes it’s not okay. Sometimes you’re already at 99% capacity, and that extra 1% of someone else’s grief just sent you over the edge. Yet, we prioritize their comfort over our own capacity. We take on the job of making them feel better about making us feel worse.
At Byrnes Counseling Group, we call this "carrying." And if you’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, neurodivergent, or a trauma survivor, you’ve probably been carrying an Olympic-sized backpack of other people’s feelings for a very long time.
The Survival Skill We Never Asked For: Hypervigilance
If you find yourself constantly "scanning" the room: noticing the exact moment your partner’s tone shifts by half a decibel or feeling your stomach drop when a friend seems slightly distant: you’re likely experiencing hypervigilance.
For many of us, especially in the trans and gender-expansive community, hypervigilance was once a survival skill. We learned to read the room to stay safe. We learned to manage other people’s discomfort to avoid conflict or rejection.
As a trans-led practice, we get it. I’ve spent years navigating spaces where I felt like I had to be the "easiest" person in the room just to exist. But eventually, that "easy" persona becomes a cage. You spend so much time monitoring everyone else’s nervous system that you completely lose track of your own.
Caring vs. Carrying: What’s the Difference?
There is a massive difference between being a supportive, empathetic human and being an emotional sponge.
- Caring is standing next to someone while they are in a hole. You can offer a hand, a ladder, or just stay there so they aren’t alone. You recognize their pain, but you don't jump into the hole and break your own leg.
- Carrying is trying to pull them out of the hole by putting them on your back. You take their pain, their anxiety, and their frustration and make it your own. You feel like you can’t be okay until they are okay.
When we tell someone "It's okay" when we're actually feeling overwhelmed, we are carrying. We are lying to protect their comfort.
The "Thank You" Reframe
Instead of the "It's okay" reflex, try this: "Thank you."
- Friend: "I'm so sorry for crying all over your car seat."
- You (Old Way): "It's okay! Don't worry about it!" (While you're actually feeling drained and worried about the upholstery).
- You (New Way): "Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate your trust."
"Thank you" acknowledges the moment without dismissing your own experience. It validates the other person's vulnerability without you having to perform "okayness" that isn't there. It’s a small shift, but it’s a powerful boundary.
Noticing Without Absorbing: A Practice
In my Hypervigilance Mini Kit, I talk about a technique called "Noticing Without Absorbing." It’s the art of seeing what’s happening around you without letting it live inside you.
Your nervous system isn't overreacting; it's overprotecting. To help it settle, we have to practice a few steps when we feel that "hook" of someone else's mood:
- Name the Activation: Tell yourself, "My body is going on alert. I’m noticing a shift in the room."
- Separate the 'Nearby' from the 'Mine': Say (out loud or internally), "This is happening near me, not to me. Their frustration is theirs. My peace is mine."
- Orient to the Present: Look around. Notice the color of the walls, the feel of your feet on the floor. Remind your brain that you are safe in this moment.
- Release the Brace: Check your jaw, your shoulders, and your stomach. Try to soften just 5%. You don't have to be a stone wall; you just have to be a human with skin.
Why This Matters in LGBTQ+ Therapy
In Florida, especially right now, the weight of collective anxiety can feel unbearable. Many of our clients come to us because they are exhausted from "managing the vibe" of their families, their workplaces, and even their own friend groups.
Our goal at Byrnes Counseling Group isn't to make you stop caring. It’s to help you find your emotional sovereignty. This is especially vital for our neurodivergent (ADHD/AuDHD) clients who might experience rejection sensitivity or "emotional contagion" more intensely.
We provide a space where you don't have to explain why you're tired of being the "strong one." We already know. Whether it’s through EMDR therapy to process the trauma that started the hypervigilance, or through collaborative LGBTQ+ counseling, we work on building those boundary muscles.
Breaking the "Managing" Habit
If you’ve been the "fixer" or the "emotional caretaker" your whole life, stopping feels like a betrayal. You might feel guilty. You might worry that people will think you're cold.
But let’s be real: carrying everyone else’s stuff doesn’t actually help them. It just ensures that eventually, you’ll both be at the bottom of the hole.
Setting a boundary is actually the kindest thing you can do for a relationship. It tells the other person, "I value you enough to be honest about what I can give, so that I don't end up resenting you later."
Small Ways to Start This Week:
- The Pause: Next time someone apologizes for being "too much," count to three before you speak. See if you can find a "Thank you" or a "I hear you" instead of an "It's okay."
- The Check-In: Set a timer on your phone for three times a day. When it goes off, just ask yourself: "Whose feelings am I carrying right now?" If they aren't yours, imagine setting them down on a shelf.
- The Vibe Check: If a room feels "off," remind yourself that you aren't the designated mood-fixer. You are allowed to let the room be awkward.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
If your backpack is feeling heavy and you’re tired of the hypervigilant hustle, we’re here. You don’t have to perform for us. You don't have to make sure we're comfortable with your identity or your trauma.
At Byrnes Counseling Group, we’re already in the community with you. We offer telehealth across Florida and in-person sessions in Pinellas Park.
Ready to stop carrying what isn't yours? Reach out to us today. Let’s work on getting you back to yourself.