It’s St. Pete Pride week, and the glitter is starting to settle in the cracks of the sidewalk. We’re in that beautiful, chaotic middle part of the month where the joy is high, but so is the "identity math." You know the kind: the internal (and sometimes external) calculation of whether you’re actually queer enough to be here.
At Byrnes Counseling Group, we talk a lot about the "Right Way" to be queer. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t exist. But that doesn’t stop the community from trying to build a fence around it.
As a trans-identified therapist, I’ve seen this from both sides of the couch. I’ve felt the sting of not being "trans enough" because I didn’t follow a certain medical path, and I’ve sat with clients who feel like they’re "imposter queers" because they’re in a relationship that looks straight to an outsider.
This is the second installment of our Pride series on Unity Over Division. Today, we’re calling out the gatekeeping that happens inside our own house. Because if we’re busy checking each other’s "Gay Cards" at the door, we’re too distracted to notice when the house is on fire.
The "Straight-Passing" Tax: Biphobia and Bi-Erasure
Let’s start with one of the biggest fractures in our community: biphobia.
There’s this weird, unspoken rule that your queerness is only valid if it’s visible and constant. If you’re a bisexual woman dating a man, suddenly you’re "basically straight." If you’re a bi man, you’re "just on a pit stop to being gay."
This "straight-passing" narrative is a trap. It suggests that privilege is something you chose to hide behind, rather than a byproduct of a system that defaults to heteronormativity. When we gatekeep bi, pan, and fluid folks, we aren't "protecting" queer spaces: we’re shrinking them. We’re telling people that their internal lived experience matters less than how they look to a stranger on the street.
In our LGBTQ+ counseling sessions, we see the mental health toll this takes. It creates a "no-man's-land" where you aren't straight enough for the world and aren't "queer enough" for the bar. That kind of isolation is where anxiety and depression thrive.
Transmedicalism and the "Real Trans" Narrative
As a trans-led practice, this one hits home. Within the trans community, there’s a sub-culture of gatekeeping called transmedicalism (or "truscum" if you’ve spent too much time on Reddit). It’s the idea that you aren't really trans unless you have severe medical dysphoria and a burning desire for every surgery available.
This logic is a carbon copy of the systems that used to (and still do) gatekeep our healthcare. It’s the "Harry Benjamin Standards" rewritten by our own people.
When we police non-binary folks, non-dysphoric trans people, or those who can’t or won’t medically transition, we are doing the work of our oppressors. We’re saying there is only one "correct" way to inhabit a gender-diverse body.
True transgender support means honoring the self-identification of the person in front of you. Period. Whether they are on HRT or just changed their hair, their identity is a fact, not a debate.
Ace Exclusion: The "Not Enough" Mystery
If biphobia is about being "too straight-adjacent," ace and aro (asexual and aromantic) exclusion is about not being "sexual enough."
I’ve heard people argue that ace folks don’t belong at Pride because "Pride is about sex." First of all, Pride is about liberation, and that includes the liberation to not center sex at all.
Ace people often fall through every safety net. They are rejected by a hyper-sexualized straight world and then interrogated by a queer community that equates "liberated" with "sexually active." This kind of gatekeeping makes our identity-affirming therapy essential: because everyone deserves a space where they don't have to justify their lack of attraction as a "medical issue" or a "phase."
Why Do We Do This to Each Other? (The Therapy Part)
You might be wondering why a community built on the concept of "Chosen Family" is so good at kicking people out of the family.
It usually comes down to three things:
- Scarcity Mentality: We feel like there’s only a small amount of safety, respect, or "validity" to go around. If we let everyone in, does our own identity become less special? (The answer is no, but our brains are wired for survival, not logic).
- Respectability Politics: "If we just look 'normal' enough and exclude the 'weird' ones, maybe they’ll stop taking our rights away." This has never worked. Ever.
- Projected Trauma: Many of us had to fight like hell to be seen as valid. When we see someone else taking a different, perhaps "easier" path, it can trigger a defensive response. "I suffered for my label, so you should too."
At our St. Petersburg office, we work with clients to untangle this projected trauma. Helping people realize that someone else’s identity doesn’t shrink their own is a huge part of the healing process.
Dismantling the Gate: How to Show Up
So, how do we stop the "Queer Olympics" and actually start coming together?
- Believe People: If someone says they’re queer, they’re queer. You aren't the IRS of Identity. You don't need to see their receipts.
- Listen More, Police Less: Instead of asking "How can you be X if you do Y?", try asking "What does being X mean to you?"
- Recognize the Intersections: Gatekeeping often intersects with racism, ableism, and fatphobia. The "Right Way" to be queer usually looks suspiciously like a thin, white, cis-passing, wealthy person. If your version of Pride doesn't have room for diverse bodies and neurodivergent brains, it’s not Pride: it’s an exclusive club.
- Check Your Own "Not Enough" Voice: Most gatekeeping starts internally. If you’re hard on others, you’re probably being brutal to yourself. Therapy for LGBTQ adults can help quiet that voice.
You Belong Here
If you’ve been told you aren't "queer enough," "trans enough," or "gay enough," I want you to hear this: You are the only expert on your own life.
There is no board of directors for the LGBTQ+ community that gets to decide your worth. Whether you are navigating your first Pride or your fiftieth, whether you are out to everyone or just yourself, you belong in this movement.
If the internal gatekeeper in your head is getting too loud, we’re here to help you turn the volume down. Whether you need EMDR therapy to process community trauma or just a space to talk about your identity without being judged, Byrnes Counseling Group has your back.
Let's make this St. Pete Pride about opening the gates, not guarding them.
Ready to find a therapist who actually gets it?
Check out our team or reach out to us today to schedule a telehealth or in-person session in Florida. We’re identity-affirming, trauma-informed, and strictly "no-gatekeeping" allowed.