We’ve all been there. You’re having a week that feels like a game of Jenga where someone just greased the blocks, and then a friend asks, “How are you?”
Without even checking in with your internal weather report, the words fly out of your mouth like a reflex: “I’m fine!”
Maybe you even throw in a little "just busy!" for spice.
But here’s the thing: “I’m fine” is often the ultimate social lie. It’s a polite way of saying, “I don’t want to be a problem for you,” or “I don’t have the energy to explain why I’m falling apart.” While it might save a little social awkwardness in the moment, constantly defaulting to “fine” when you’re actually underwater is a form of self-abandonment.
At Byrnes Counseling Group, we see this a lot, especially in the neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ communities. We’ve spent so much of our lives managing the room and checking the vibes to stay safe that we’ve forgotten how to actually exist for ourselves.
The 'Strong' Trap
Society loves a "strong" person. We praise the person who never complains, the one who carries the weight of the world without breaking a sweat, and the "low-maintenance" friend.
But let’s be real: "low-maintenance" is often just code for "I’ve learned that my needs are an inconvenience."
When we pride ourselves on being the strong one, we are often just practicing high-level self-abandonment. We push our grief, our anxiety, and our exhaustion into a tiny box in the basement of our brains so that we don’t make anyone else feel uncomfortable.
Tristan, our founder, often talks about this in the context of lived experience. As a trans-identified therapist, he knows exactly what it’s like to feel the pressure to be the "resilient" one. But true resilience isn't about ignoring the pain; it's about having the internal permission to actually feel it.
The ADHD Masking Connection
For my neurodivergent folks, the ADHDers, the Autistics, the AuDHDers, this "I'm fine" response is often a key part of masking.
Masking is the process of hiding your true traits to fit into a neurotypical world. If you spent your childhood hearing that you were "too much," "too loud," or "too sensitive," you probably learned that "fine" was the only safe answer.
When you say "I'm fine" while your executive dysfunction is making your kitchen look like a disaster zone and your brain feels like it has 47 tabs open, you’re masking. You’re trying to look like you’re coping with life in the way you think you’re supposed to.
The problem is that masking is exhausting. It leads to the relief of an adult ADHD diagnosis but also the realization that you’ve been abandoning yourself for years just to be "agreeable."
When Strength Becomes Hypervigilance
When we constantly minimize our feelings to save others, we put our nervous systems into a state of hypervigilance. Our bodies aren't just checking if we are okay; they are constantly scanning the room to see if everyone else is okay with how we are feeling.
In our Hypervigilance Mini Kit, we talk about how this "always on guard" feeling develops in environments where you had to "read the room" to stay safe. If you feel like you have to manage the vibes of everyone around you, you’ll never feel safe enough to say, "Actually, I’m really struggling."
Signs your "Strength" is actually Self-Abandonment:
- You feel like you "should" be able to handle it alone.
- You apologize for having feelings (e.g., saying "I'm sorry" for crying).
- You feel responsible for other people’s discomfort when you're in pain.
- You tell people "It's okay" when they hurt or disappoint you, even when it’s not.
From 'It's Okay' to 'Thank You'
Let’s talk about a practical way to stop abandoning yourself: The "Thank You" Pivot.
When someone hears about a loss or a struggle you're having, they often say, "I'm so sorry."
The default "I'm fine/strong" response is usually: "Oh, it's okay! No worries!"
Stop.
It is not okay. It is a worry. When you say "It's okay," you are essentially comforting the other person for your pain. You are taking on the emotional labor of making them feel better about the fact that you are hurting.
Try this instead: "Thank you."
That’s it. "Thank you" acknowledges their empathy without dismissing your reality. It keeps the focus on the support you're receiving rather than your job to fix their discomfort.
Unmasking in a Safe Space
Unmasking doesn’t mean you have to tell your life story to the cashier at Publix. It means finding spaces where you don’t have to perform.
At Byrnes Counseling Group, we pride ourselves on being a trans-led, neuro-affirming, and body-positive practice. Whether we’re discussing body neutrality or navigating a late-in-life ADHD diagnosis, our goal is to give you a room where you can finally stop managing the vibe.
In our office (or on our telehealth screens), "I'm fine" is allowed, but it's never required. We’re here for the "I'm actually not okay," the "I'm overwhelmed," and the "I don't know who I am without the mask."
The Radical Act of Existing
Dropping the "I'm fine" mask is terrifying. It feels like you’re letting people down. But every time you are honest about your capacity, you are making a deposit into your own well-being. You are telling your nervous system, "I see you, and you are safe to be human."
Being "strong" is overrated. Being authentic? That’s where the real power is.
If you're ready to stop abandoning yourself and start unmasking in a space that actually gets it, we’re here. Whether you’re in Pinellas Park or anywhere in Florida via telehealth, let’s work on getting you back to you.
Ready to drop the mask?
Book a consultation with us today and let's find your "not fine" and make it workable together.